Tuesday, November 20, 2007

#12 - Catholic Church

Title: "Nik-luk click-click pop" means "Give me your money"

Subject: Catholic Church
Author: Moooooog35
Location: USA, NH, Salem
Level of Annoyance (1-10): 8

Complaint Details:
Church sucks.

If you've read my rant about "The God Guy," you'll know how I feel about religion. It's okay...you can pop on over to it...I'll wait...

I'm good like that.

A few weeks ago, it was my week to take my daughter to church, but I somehow managed to egg out of it.

Mind you, unless you're dead or getting married, you won't see me in a church.

So, I guess this limits it to "getting married" - since you're not seeing too much if you're dead.

I should probably think more before I right sh*t down.

Anyway, the fact that I missed it turned out to be a good thing (duh), because my wife came home with her Church-report…and it got me kind of mad.

Apparently, our church was hosting another priest from Honduras.

This priest, apparently, stood up to address the crowd - which I found amazing, as I thought everyone from third world countries spoke in clicks and beeps...like dolphins...or "Starvin Marvin" from South Park.

and made something similar to the following remarks:

He was appalled by the way that people were spending hundreds or thousands of dollars of their money on – God forbid – THEMSELVES…instead of sending money to feed the poor and desolate in his country.

Specifically, he was LITERALLY telling people who shelled out hundreds of dollars to go to the Red Sox playoff games that they were going to Hell because they weren’t sending their money his way.

I’m thinking that I wouldn’t have been able to control myself at that point.

It would have taken all of my effort to not stand up and ask:

"WHO has tickets to the playoffs?! Do they have any extra?!”

And…let’s be honest here…watching Jonathan Papelbon close out a game for the Sox is as close to any modern-day religious experience that you’ll find.


I’m going to Hell because the money that I EARNED didn’t go to the people in your country who aren’t smart enough to MOVE out of the f*cking desert?!?

(By the way, if you've never seen Sam Kinison (I saw him live when he was alive) you really missed out. Here he is on World Hunger):

But I don’t get it.

I understand that we’re supposed to help those who need help. I get it.

When I have something that’s in really sh*tty shape, or is broken, I always find a way to give it to a charity.

That’s the kind of guy I am.


Giving my broken crap away.

..it's for the kids, you know.

But – really – this guy is harping on ME for not giving my money away?

Let me tell you something – I just dropped 5 bucks into this friggin’ basket to fund your TRIP here.

Did you walk here or fly?

I’m guessing you flew..in a plane..that cost money.

Did you get a rental car, or did one of the priests pick you up in the Escalade?

Let me guess – you ate WHERE last night?

Did you go out for seafood? Steak? What?

Why don’t you have a nice bowl of tapioca and then pocket the change you would have spent going to Legal Seafoods and give it to the family of 12 you have back in Honduras so they can enjoy some cornmeal.

You know what? Instead of food, let’s buy them condoms so they can:

a) STOP making more kids...
b) that need more food...
c) that your country doesn’t have...

Christ...even I can get behind THAT plan.

Oh…I forgot...the Catholic church doesn’t believe in condoms.

Well, then this is YOUR fault, isn’t it?

I looked at my wife and said, “You didn’t raise your hand? You didn’t say anything?”

It aggravates the sh*t out of me for thinking she had to sit there and take that crap.

I know there are people in that crowd that now feel guilty for actually buying their kids Sketchers instead of flip-flops.

They shouldn’t, but this guy is making them feel like they should.

So next week, when I go, I’m hoping that they have another guest speaker.

Just in case, I’m wearing as much bling-bling as I can.

Mental Poo

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1 comment:

moooooog35 said...

Hey - thanks for reposting my Catholicism bitch session.

..well..at least my second one, anyway.

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